How to Stay Positive Around Difficult People: Four Steps

Pathological positivity episode 730. How to stay positive when everyone around you isn't? Other people get to choose their attitudes, their opinions, their behaviors. We get to choose how we engage with them. So, with a little more intentional practice, we can enjoy our relationships, family gatherings especially as we're getting into the holiday season even when other people are not cooperating with that. So, you can take away from this today a practical strategy for staying positive around difficult people. Especially during the holidays. How do we get emotionally hooked? When we engage emotionally with someone else's attitude or opinion, we kind of get hooked into whatever's going on in their mind. Instead of independently being able to function with our own attitudes or opinions. So, someone makes a comment and we interpret it as being about us. You know, I learned years ago that feedback is information. And it's information about the source of the feedback. Okay. So, like, if your television gets on the... Goes on the blink and you're getting feedback. Or if you're on a microphone and you hear the feedback, it's about the microphone and where it's positioned. Or it's about the television and how the antenna is positioned. Or this feedback is about the device that's giving you the feedback. What if we were to apply that to our relationships? So, you get feedback from a family member who thinks that you're an Okay. Well, does that mean that you're an idiot? Should you take that personally? Or should you take that as information about the source of the feedback? Oh, that person experiences me as an idiot. That's interesting. And you can take in that information and do whatever you would like to do with it. But the mistake is that we often just get emotionally hooked by the the feedback, the information that we're getting. So, when someone makes that comment, let's say that you're around the dinner table, you're having a nice family holiday meal together and, oh, she said that because she doesn't respect me. She always does this. She tries to make me feel inadequate. And we get emotionally involved with And then we blame them. Right? She makes me feel inadequate. He always ruins Thanksgiving. They're always bringing this up when we come together as a family. And it puts us in a blaming position. And then we create this victim story. Now, you familiar with the victim That's where we take this feedback, we personalize it, we blame them for how we feel and then we show up as this pitiful victim. It's not my fault. Everybody in my family is crazy. My family is impossible. My family is toxic. I always have to put up with this stuff. I'm giving you examples of victim stories. And sometimes, these victim stories take on a life of their own. We go post them on social media. We try to spread them around and enroll other people into that, uh, position. Now, let let me suggest a different perspective I think we can observe someone's behavior without automatically taking it personally. Curiosity. A little bit of psychological distance. Maybe even amusement. I remember Vicky asking me years ago, doesn't he annoy you for someone she was feeling annoyed toward? And I said, actually, I'm mildly entertained every time I hear him And she had never really considered that position. And I was sincere about that. I found it mildly amusing. Especially in light of what I know about ethical behavior and how we treat each other with compassion. Or we should. Right? And it baffled me a little bit that this guy was taking a different approach, but it was mildly amusing to That little bit of distance to observe, Maybe allow it to entertain you. And, we can recognize genuinely inappropriate behavior without absorbing or retaining responsibility for that. Or or owning it in a way that it becomes something that really grates on our So, healthy boundaries are always an option. But remember, boundaries are more about what I'm going to do. Uh, it's a common mistake to say, I'm going to put a boundary on your behavior. Well, you can't. Not really. So, the boundaries have to do with what I'm going to do with this. And, at least for me, that that helps me to feel much more in control of my experience than if I'm trying to manipulate or control someone else's. You can observe someone else's negativity without making it your own. And, you can be in the presence of negativity without becoming a participant in it. You might be an observer. A curious observer. A mildly entertained observer. So, how do we actually do I've got four simple steps for you that I think can provide a little toolbox approach as you experience this holiday season. So, here are the four steps. Step number one, calm your brain. Calm your brain. Different parts of your brain do different things. And there's the limbic system part of your brain, its main job is to keep you safe. And it does it automatically anytime it perceives a threat. So, when you hear the negativity going on, your brain thinks it's a threat. It thinks you're in danger. You're I was over at the church the other day, having a little meeting with someone. And it wasn't on a day when the church was filled with people. It was during the week, and I just set up a little meeting over there with someone, because I've got a key. And, uh, the fire alarm went I promise, we did not pull the little lever thing. The fire alarm went off. And, uh, we hurriedly just looked around to see if we could find evidence of any kind of an incident happening. The fire department showed up. There was no fire. It was a little malfunction in the device. But think of your brain for a minute as having a fire alarm. And Vicky tells me this about her work over at the school. Every month or so, they do a fire drill where the fire alarm is going off. There's no fire. And a lot of times, our brain will do this to us. It'll set off the fire alarm. You're not safe. You're in danger. They're treating you poorly. And, if we were to remember this is just the It's not a fire. And, we were able to resolve the situation and get it reset. And, I had fun chatting with the fire department people when they showed up over there at the church. So, calm your brain. Notice that the alarm is going off. Pause before reacting and take a few intentional I've had enough experience with this, both personally and with my clients, to be pretty darn sure that you can program your brain to calm down. And it takes a little practice. If you'll do daily breathing exercises, meditation, And we provide some of those for you over on our positives platform. If you haven't looked at it yet, go look. Positives.life is where we're providing these daily meditations. And the power of that is that you start to program your brain to respond to your conscious instructions to it. So that when the alarm goes off, can take one breath. If you've practiced. Now, it's gonna take more than that if you haven't. But if you've practiced, even one can calm your brain. This is important because the part of your brain that is trying to protect you is not the part that does problem solving and and, uh, conflict resolution and empathy and compassion. That's a different part of your brain. So, we gotta calm down the fight or flight part of your brain. Step number two, reframe the experience in a way that allows you to take it less personally. This is where you become an observer. Instead of getting hooked in and emotionally entangled in whatever so and so said at the family Consider what the comment reveals about the source. Consider the source. Something's going on with them apparently. That they said this in a family gathering. That's interesting. Curiosity and humor, um, can create psychological distance. You wanna put yourself outside of the loop. So the old interpretation might have been, oh, she always makes me feel inadequate. And the new interpretation might be, wow, she says some baffling things sometimes. Considering what I understand about social etiquette, that's interesting. See, her behavior can be about her without becoming a statement about you or your worth. Alright. Let's move on to number three. Take full responsibility for your feelings. Not for what was said, not for what was done in the event, but for your feelings. Because your feelings are based on your thoughts, and your narrative. And, yes, it was triggered by something somebody said. I'm gonna give you that. But, you might just step back enough to say, oh, I'm feeling offended because I'm taking this personally. And even just acknowledging that will help you to step away from it just a bit. And then you can ask, is that the interpretation that I want to hang on to or to continue practicing. Remember, taking responsibility doesn't require tolerating mistreatment. Other people get to have their opinions. You get to choose your position. And then, step four, create your hero story. Imagine yourself handling this situation with confidence, and resilience, and and a stability inside your own heart and mind that it doesn't matter what they said. You're simply there to enjoy the show. That hero story might look like, hey, look at me. I can attend this gathering and have a wonderful time regardless of what other people are doing. I am unflappable. They can't tip me over. See how much of a hero story this is? Recognize your to choose how you show up. This hero story emphasizes agency, possibilities, personal growth. The hero story is about who you choose to be. Regardless of what everyone else chooses to do. So, I have a little challenge for you. Okay? Are you ready to take this on? I'm going to challenge you to attend that family gathering that you've been debating whether you want to attend it or not because it's gonna be so awful. Right? You know the one. Okay? The one you've been And actually find a way to enjoy yourself regardless of what anyone else chooses to do. This is a powerful psychological experiment that I'm asking you to try. This is a challenge that might change the way you approach these things moving forward. Okay? So, think about that upcoming family Anticipate the familiar dynamic. It's predictable. And if we can predict it, can prepare for You don't have to dread it. Decide in advance how you want to show up. Practice observing with curiosity. You know, it might help if you put it into a little scenario. Okay? So, pretend for a that I'm offering you a $500,000 if you can pull this off. And you can't fake it. You have to actually enjoy Could you do And whether you can do it for 500,000 or if you can do it for 50¢, the point is you can do And, if you would find some strategy that would allow you to do it for the big payoff, this is really good news. it reveals that you can do Finding a way to do is what will empower you as you move forward. So this is an invitation to practice resilience in reasonably safe situations. Okay? It's not an obligation to attend gatherings where abuse or serious mistreatment makes participation unsafe. Look, if you're invited to a family barbecue, and you're on the menu, you have my full blessing to not show up. I'm also inviting you to lean in, and see if you can change the narrative in your own mind, so that you're not held hostage to other people's attitudes and opinions. What other people think about you is none of your business. Alright. Maybe something's gonna happen at that family Maybe uncle Joe will bring up politics again. You can almost set your watch by it. Right? Maybe someone will make that same comment they've made for the past fifteen years and it just never gets old. Does You might even find yourself smiling a little because you recognize that pattern and realize you don't have to participate. You can just show up for the show. You can show up for the family gathering, have a good time without requiring anyone else to cooperate. Choose your position this holiday season. So, as a quick recap. Recognize that sometimes we get emotionally hooked through personalizing what someone else did or said. Blaming them for how we feel and then creating a victim story about Practicing these four steps. Calm, reframe, take responsibility and create your hero And then, lean in. Take this holiday holiday challenge. Let me know how it goes. We've got something special coming up at positives for Black Friday. And put this in the back of your mind somewhere, we're putting together some phenomenal support at some crazy discounts. And you can get access four days before everybody else by signing up at positives.life. That's positives,plural,.life,not.com,/blackfriday. All one word. When you sign up there, we'll give you early access to these crazy discounts that we're offering on some powerful tools. This is the best time ever to try it out for yourself. I'd love to have you go check that out and be more of a part of your team as you engage in those daily, weekly, monthly positives. Other people get to choose their position. So do you. And with a little practice, you just might discover that you can enjoy yourself in places and around people that you used to dread.